Shepard Does Karaoke
by The Red Celt
Summary: After the Collectors are destroyed, Shepard takes the crew out to Dark Star Lounge to get trashed. Mordin signs her up for karaoke, drunken silliness ensues. Rated M for language and suggestive content.


They were all sitting around a table at a mostly empty Dark Star Lounge with one of Commander Shepard's last orders carrying them through the night—"We're all going out tonight, and we're not coming back until every one of us is completely shitfaced." They'd blown the Collector base into tiny chunks of space debris, beat the ever-loving snot out of a baby Reaper, pissed off the Illusive Man, and, by some miracle, the whole crew had made it back to the Normandy. Bumped, bruised, bleeding, but in one piece. _It's a good night to be alive_, Shepard thought. They'd been plowing through the Dark Star's significant supply of alcohol and were telling old war stories. Joker was currently regaling a captive audience with a real gem about the time Kaidan had accidentally dropped a live grenade through a vent shaft and turned nine batarian raiders into grease spots.

". . . and there's Kaidan standing on top of the bunker with a giant hole blown in the top of the thing with this 'oh shit' look on his face and he goes—"

"_Oh shit, I think I killed the captain_," Shepard and Joker finished together and they doubled over laughing. Grunt guffawed loudly into his drink, a vile-looking green concoction that looked like it could eat a hole through the floor. Kasumi sat in Jacob's lap, and Tali was sipping some triple-filtered turian brandy through a straw, which she kept calling an 'emergency induction port', stuck in her mask. Joker had made it his mission in life to get Miranda to lighten up for once and it looked like his efforts were succeeding; she'd laughed more in the last two hours than Shepard had seen her do the entire mission. Mordin had surprised them all by being quite the lively party animal and was trying to convince the turian behind the bar that karaoke was a really great idea by singing Rodgers and Hammerstein at him. Samara had elected not to come, saying something about how it interfered with her code as a justicar, but Thane was there. He'd been nursing the same beer the whole time with his heels up on the table, quietly enjoying the company. Zaeed had been matching Garrus shot for shot and Shepard was amazed he was still conscious, let alone functional. Even Jack looked like she was having a good time, albeit begrudgingly. Shepard sat sideways on the long bench seat with her back against Garrus, who was intent on getting well and truly smashed and that was just fine with her—drunk Garrus tended to like tickle fights and joking around in the bedroom, a fact she was committed to exploiting later.

"I remember that," said the turian in question, laughing. "Wasn't that the same mission where you got the Mako stuck in the mud on the way back?" Shepard felt him poke her in the back with his elbow and frowned, jabbing him back.

"We got out, didn't we?"

"Sure. It only took me and Wrex twenty minutes of pushing, and Liara jut about gave herself an aneurism trying to lift it with her biotics."

"Shut up." She tried to look sullen, but her face just couldn't hold it for long and she dissolved into giggles. "Barkeep! I require more libations!"

The turian bartender was only too happy to get away from Mordin, who had launched into a slurry version of "Impossible" from Cinderella. He brought her a fresh bottle and Shepard immediately poured another shot and announced, "To Kaidan! May the hard-headed bastard live forever."

Mordin came back to the table, weaving a bit from side to side, and said, "Good news. Managed to get turian to allow karaoke. Found an entry that would interest the Commander, too—old Earth showtune. Entered her name."

For a moment Shepard was confused as to what he could mean by that. Then her jaw dropped and her eyes grew round with horror. _He didn't. _

After Mordin had demonstrated his singing ability in his lab that day with the salarian version of the Major-General's song, Shepard had confessed that in her younger days she had done a little performing onstage herself. She had also sworn him to secrecy, but evidently he was too sloshed to remember that part.

"Mordin?" Her voice was low and dangerous.

"Yes, Shepard?"

"Remember how I said I'd space you if you _ever_ mentioned that little tidbit to anyone?"

Now everyone was looking at her with intense interest. "Hang on a second, Shepard, you mean to say you can _sing_?" asked Kasumi.

"And dance," said Mordin, who tried to sit down and nearly ended up on the floor.

Shepard's face turned bright red. "There's no way I'm getting up there."

"Oh, this I've gotta see," said Zaeed with an evil grin.

"Not a chance in hell."

"Sheparrrd," Tali began, waving her glass in her direction, "you have to learn to cut loose. Let your hair _down_, and screw what all these _bosh-tets_ think."

Garrus sat up a little straighter and she turned to look at him. "All right, now I'm curious. What musical were you in?"

"You're supposed to be on my side!" This night wasn't going the way she'd planned. Where was a thresher maw when you needed one?

"Gotta say, Commander," Wrex said, "I never pictured you as the dancing type."

"It would be . . . interesting," said Thane. Shepard glowered at him but he just cocked a smile at her.

"It was a long time ago, I'm not sure I even remember—"

"Shepard." Garrus' mouth was right next to her ear, his breath on her neck making her shiver. He cupped his hand to her ear and whispered, "If you get up there and make your crew happy, I'll do that thing you like. You know the thing I mean."

She knew exactly the thing he meant.

"You're a monster."

He just flared his mandibles at her in a wicked grin. He knew he'd won, the smug bastard. _Oh, you're gonna pay for this,_ she thought.

Before she knew it she was in front of all of them, a microphone in her hand, drunk as hell and wondering if she would ever live this down. Probably not. Her crew, damn them all, were yelling encouragement to her while she waited for the music to kick in.

_Well, if I'm going to embarrass myself, might as well do it right._ She thought she was just drunk enough to make it through the whole song, and maybe give Garrus something to think about in the process.

The familiar horns sounded, the opening bars of "Big Spender" immediately bringing back all the words and moves and Shepard went into character, cocking one hip to the side and smoldering. She heard Joker catcalling her and grinned.

"The minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction, a real big spender," she sang, her voice not quite where it used to be and a little slurred from drink, but at least she was on-key.

She sauntered over to the table and slid her hand around the back of Zaeed's chair then moved on to Tali, perching in her lap and making her giggle uncontrollably.

"Good looking, so refined—"

She stood up and went to Garrus, who was watching her move with an awestruck expression on his face. When he saw her coming for him, his eyes filled with heat and raked over her body. She was in worn out jeans with a hole in the knee and a plain white tank top, but he gazed at her like she was clad in the sexy little black chemise he loved so much.

_Yep, this was worth it, _she thought.

She leaned down to his eye level and made her voice as sultry as possible when she sang, "Now wouldn't you like to know what's goin' on in my mind? So let me get right to the point." With that she propped her boot on his chair, right between his legs and stroked his fringe, and he had to shift a bit to hide his . . . appreciation of her efforts.

She sauntered back to the mic stand and belted out the last few lines of the song, finishing with "Hey big spender, spend a little time with me," while staring right at Garrus, putting all the things she planned to do to him into her eyes. His mandibles shivered against his face and he looked to her like a wild jungle cat about to pounce.

Then the song was over and she took a deep bow, her crewmates yelling and whistling in the corner. She went back to them and plopped down next to Garrus again, giving him a big shit-eating grin. She could see he was trying to control himself even if no one else could, and the look he gave her made muscles low in her body flutter and tighten. Oh, she was gonna get it later. And she couldn't wait.

"Holy shit, Commander!" said Joker. "I wish I'd thought to record that, we'd all make _bank_ from the vids. Commander Shepard, savior of the galaxy and closet sex kitten."

Shepard threw a balled up cocktail napkin at him and he batted it aside.

They stayed until the bartender had to kick them out and they stumbled through the darkened Citadel back to the docks. She noticed some of them had paired up, their intentions only too evident—Kasumi and Jacob, looking adorable together, and Miranda was getting very chummy with Zaeed. She and Garrus supported each other all the way to her cabin, where they stripped each other down and he did that thing she liked.

You know the one.


End file.
